Never too late to say 'sorry'
I've done a lot of growing up in these past few years and mostly, in the past few months that have lead up to me facing my giants a few days ago, and asking myself if relationships were worth being put at risk for the sake of my ego.
Before diving in head-first, I prepared myself for the worst - saying goodbye to possibly the only person I've known for the longest time or accepting the fact that things may never go back to the way they were.
But when it came to Thursday evening, we sat across from each other and with a heavy heart, tried to salvage whatever was left of our years of friendship. As calm and collected as I would have liked to be, my mind ran laps and lead me to foresee all the things that could possibly go wrong. If you were seated in front of me, you'd also notice how my hands were shaking from the nervousness.
Regardless, I poured out my heart as I sincerely could and allowed my heart to be my guide. In front of me was someone who went through the most trying of teenage years with me and has been there through each and every season of my life's events - I can't emphasize 'always been there' enough! I sometimes feel like I was unworthy to have such a friend when I can only wish to be just as good to her as she has been to me. Just like any pair in a friendship, there were differences and arguments and disagreements. But it was the way we chose to resolve it that took us from floating on cloud 9 to hitting rock bottom - we NEVER discussed our issues. We always made excuses for the other and tried to see the best in them, when it was obvious that something needed to be said.
That was the first problem: talking about everything under the sun but overlooking the issues that have been dangling from our noses like a gooey booger one only decides to swipe away.
Nothing gets resolved if you keep brushing it off. This is a lesson that took years to learn and although I still have a tendency to put off talking when tensions are at an all-time high, I've got to realize that more often than not, it only makes things worst. Won't it be better to identify the problem, talk it out and execute it once and for all, rather than prolong it? Well, I know better now.
The second problem was allowing other people to have opinions about our friendship. Just like a relationship, a friendship between you and your bestfriend should remain on terms you both have agreed upon. And while others outside of your comfortable friendship bubble may have an opinion of a thing or two, they need to be shot down. The foundation of a friendship, is trust. And that cannot be shaken by petty issues or opinions of people who don't matter. So trust one another, confide in one another. And when in doubt, talk to one another. This was another lesson learnt the hard way.
Lastly, and possibly the mother of all problems, was not embracing our differences and similarities. While you read about it everywhere that 'Women should empower other women', we (I, mainly) spent time striving to remain 'original', wanting to be the only one who owned a piece of clothing or do something different from the other. Looking back and actually typing it out now makes me sound like such a fool but I admit to being a fool for thinking that way. Instead of saying, "I have that too!", wouldn't it be nicer to say, "You look so good in that! Get it!"? Instead or judging a book by it's cover, wouldn't it be better to read it first? Precisely! Point made. I should have known better.
Perhaps as you grow up, you tend to realize a shift in your priorities and now, at 23, I'm beginning to feel the weight on my shoulders and am seeing things in a different light.
All I can say is that I was ever so thankful for that Thursdays afternoon that turned into evening, just talking things through, and realizing in the end that all my worries were unnecessary. Apologize, yes, and if you mean it (which you should!), your ego is definitely worth chucking out the window for solid friendships. I've found mine in her - whether she still feels the same way, it doesn't matter cause' my heart stays true. She's been there from the very beginning and I want her to still be there till' the very end. As you go through life, you'll make new friends and you'll probably even get along better with them than the friends who've known you longer but that doens't mean you forget them - that doesn't mean you replace them.
I've learnt that the hard way too. Trust me.
Much love, Krissy.