Silver linings
I hit rock bottom yesterday.
For someone whom has always had her ducks in a row, yesterday did not go according to plan.
I was mentally prepared to leave for the UK in September and start anew (not that there was anything to run away from). I was going to get my big break, meet new people, make new memories and spend a year living independently and on my own terms.
But that was only half of my heart.
The other half wasn't ready.
In the past year, I've started so many new things.
1. I joined a gym and have finally found a handful of people whom I can gel so well with; people who motivate me and inspire me...people whom I can consider my 'bros'.
2. I traveled to Bario, Singapore and even New Zealand, every other week in June/July.
3. I got my second chance at a law degree in the UKT Sept 15' intake.
4. I started my Internship at Benefit Cosmetics and have scored a job that gets me out of bed every morning feeling thankful for opportunities.
These are just a few highlights off the top of my head, but as I was saying... there were so many things I've started that ached me to leave behind, even if it was just for a year. Saying 'Goodbye' has to be the hardest thing to ever do.
But regardless, I was ready to leave.
Until I got the news yesterday, that I didn't get through my Land Law paper yet again. This would probably be the 5th time (two different courses) I've sat for this damn paper and have still yet to pass it.
As hard as it is for me to come to terms with the fact that I failed this paper, yet again, despite being so close to the finish line, I can't help but be angry at myself. I am to blame, after all. I would very much like to curl myself up into a ball and cry myself to sleep but I've never been one to throw pity parties, especially not for myself.
Someone asked me yesterday, "How can you accept being a victim to such failure?"
It took me quite awhile to answer her but reflecting now, I meant it. I told her that once you accept failure as part and parcel of life, no matter how many times you stumble and fall, you're always one step ahead. I told her that although my heart's all in twisted knots and aching for some closure, crying may be the remedy for the time being but the tears will soon have to stop. I also told her that in the end, all I can do is accept it and have the courage to move on and do better next time because crying over spilled milk gets you nowhere.
After reassuring her, it was my turn to go home and ball my eyes out.
Today, I woke up with swollen eyes but I dragged myself out of bed and went to work anyways. As I sit here in the office and type this, my heart's still not settled in it's place and the air's pretty mundane. But I'm doing better. I think.
I just hope and pray that i'll be able to get through the day without breaking down but for now, I'm holding on to dad's words when he said that "God must have a bigger plan for you. Remember, every cloud has a silver lining and you'll find that out soon."
And hopefully soon, I'll be fine.
xx, the slightly less chirpier version of me.