Promise me no promises
It took a recent engagement to realize that wearing my heart on my sleeve wasn't exactly my forte because as soon as I take something or someone into consideration, time will be the teller if they make its/their way into my heart and more often than not, they do.
*inhales and exhales* Let's begin.
It's half past 9pm; an odd time to clear my head and pour my heart out on a blank sheet of paper but here I am. One hand's a little fidgety and the other is gripping my mug of green tea so hard. I should probably proceed because if I second guess and question myself for the 238495858th time, I don't think I ever will.
Alot has happened since that unfortunate day in Feb but I'm finally coming to terms with it and allowing myself to heal - I can also finally allow myself the healing process of writing about it.
_____________________
How do I even begin to tell them about you, about what we had? I don't even know where to start.
But I guess when people ask me about when I got my heart broken last, I start from the beginning and tell them about how you followed me on Twitter when we were both young and awkward 14 year-olds.
We didn't even talk much back then but we chatted a little on MSN and when Facebook came about, you offered to edit my pictures and a friendship blossomed over an exchange of yearly birthday wishes and occasional holiday greetings. That was all it took.
But you were there on the other side of the screen, through it all - watching my transition from a reckless young teenager to a young lady - via social media.
We both have lived separate lives until that fateful night when you hit me up on Instagram Direct Message and asked me where the party was. I was staying home that night but when I finally went out to party a few days after that, we made plans to meet. You may not know this but I kept asking myself if this could really be YOU. Everything was so out of the blue that I had trouble wrapping my head around it.
I couldn't wait to finally meet you.
And so a few days earlier before our supposed meet-up, I was headed to a bazaar and I had this great idea of meeting you there. So I invited you, and before I knew it, there you were, standing right before my eyes.
Under a starry night and a full moon in perfect position, I met you for the first time. You looked just as handsome as your pictures on Instagram, albeit even better-looking in person. And you were clad in a dark blue denim shirt and beige cargo shorts; just the right amount of casual for an event such as this.
I didn’t think much of it at first but it was perhaps the easiness in the way words fell out of your mouth, despite how hard you tried to hide how nervous you were or the way I fell into conversation with your friend because I was so scared to talk to you, in fear of saying something stupid. I like when people let themselves get nervous and all pre-school chirpy when meeting someone new; what’s better is when they’re upfront and honest about it. I was so nervous too, but as usual, I tried to play it cool. You became a friend that night; someone I’d hit up on a Wednesday night out in town to casually meet – everything was super casual; nothing forced – until you laced your fingers with mine at SIX later on that night, where we danced and whispered into each other’s ear over the loud remixes.
My heart skipped a little.
Soon after, you even introduced me to your friends. We downed shots, drank till’ we were tipsy enough to have a good time and we got along like five friends whom have met before – if not in this lifetime, in another. The ringing noise in my ear slowly faded when we got into your car. I was so thankful for the peace and quiet but even more thankful that you offered to send me all the way back to Setapak, despite feeling under the weather and despite how far it is from where you stay. You were a true gentleman.
I went to bed that night smiling, thinking to myself how much I’d like to live for more nights like these – even if they happen to be with people I just met.
Things quickly escalated from then on - from surprising me all the way at my workplace to a lovely Valentine's Day dinner I never expected. Things were moving too fast but in the whirlwind of things, I never questioned it.
I even thought to myself, "This is it. I've found him." And I didn't even feel the need to tell him that I loved him to know that.
Unfortunately, like all good things, it all came to an end before anything even began. My hopes which were raised sky-high were let go of mid-air, and my heart was a shattered mess.
It took alot for me to get back up on my two feet and get through each day once again but I did it. And I'll be fine.
But if someone asks me about you, I'll tell them how you'll always be the best I never had. I'd tell them that you lit up my world and made me happy albeit short-lived. And there'll never be a day that goes by that I won't stand in the light of your dreams and wish you all the happiness in the world. Because you do deserve to be happy, eventhough I may not be a part of that happiness.
In the meantime, this rings with so much truth.
If you're going through a little heartbreak or your heart's in need of a little TLC, this is for you. Because to be honest, this is the advice I wish I'd received while my heart was breaking.
It’s okay to cry. You’re not pathetic for still being stuck on him, it only makes you human.
Write, write until your wrist is aching, find peace within the ink and paper share your thoughts freely until your heart is throbbing, write his name over and over, explain how angry you are, burn it, tear it up. You have every right to be mad, as long as you’re not taking it out on yourself.
Learn to do you, use this time of freedom to explore yourself, find out who you truly are. Give yourself time to breathe, you owe it to yourself.
Wing your eyeliner, wear that dress, look at yourself in the mirror and repeat “I deserve to be loved, I am here and that is enough” over and over, memorise it, yell it, sync it far into your mind, remind yourself there is only one you and there is nobody who can replace that.
Smile more, laugh until your lungs hurt, sing so loud your throat starts to dry out, dance in front of the mirror, treat yourself, take chances don’t be embarrassed to be yourself.
Break something, scream, your feelings are valid and it’s okay to explode sometimes.
Stop looking at photos of her, stop comparing yourself to her and beating yourself up because your beauty is different to hers, stop despising yourself for having shorter hair or a different body shape, it wouldn’t change the reality that he’s with her now, so don’t waste your precious energy wasting away at the thought of him and her.
Take your broken pieces and build a fucking castle, don’t let them knock you down, you are stronger than them.
Just because he stopped loving you doesn’t mean you have permission to do the same, you are worthy of all the love in the world and you deserve no less, don’t let him leaving determine your worth. You are loved and you deserve to be here, don’t let them convince you of the opposite.
All my love, Krissy xx